Sometimes I feel out of place in my life. I wonder how I got to where I am.
Why don't I really talk to my best friends anymore? Just because we graduated from high school and moved to different places doesn't mean we shouldln't be friends anymore. It seems like most of my high school friends still hang out and talk to each other...why don't I? I miss my friends. I miss being comfortable with girls that used to be like sisters. I miss having someone to call when I'm having a bad day, or some where to go when I need a break from my life.
Why are Logan and I so boring? Sometimes I just feel crazy about my husband and then sometimes it gets stale. Lately he has been so busy and I hardly ever see him. This should make me miss him and want to be with him more, right? Sometimes it does. But usually when he gets home he turns on a basketball game and I stick to my evening routine of making dinner, cleaning the kitchen, and getting Autumn ready for bed. Get ready for bed. Go to bed. We have almost no interaction. Our relationship exists through the same old text messages everyday. "how's your morning going?" "how's work?" "what are you up to?" Sometimes I just miss our "Dating" stage. I know it will never be that way again...but why not? Why can't we just be giddy about eachother and so excited to see each other? Why can't we just be so in love it's crazy all the time. Oh probably because everytime we feel so excited to see each other Autumn has a poopy diaper or is crying because her teeth hurt or she's hungry. So one of us has to go take care of it, usually me.
Why am I doing hair? Sometimes I LOVE my job. But lately I've felt bored with it. Probably because it's so slow. Building a clientel is so hard. And one unhappy client can make you wonder why you do what you do? Am I even good at this? Am I ever going to be busy and actually make a decent amount of money? These are questions I ask myself all the time.
Why am I a mother? I sure love Autumn, but being a mom is so hard sometimes. Especially at night. I feel like I can't even remember the last time I got to sleep through the night. Why does she always wake up at midnight? and then again at 3:00? and again and again. I can't even flush the toilet at night for fear she'll wake up (she is in the room next door to the bathroom). I would let her cry herself back to sleep except that we live in my in-laws basement and when she cries for more than two minutes my mother-in-law comes down and gets her. I don't want to keep them up all night, so I guess that means I get to get up. I don't have patience when I feel tired and I get upset easily. I wonder why I can't be a better mom.
Why don't I have a burning testimony? I read my brothers mission letters and always cry. I know the church is true. But I don't have any burning desire to share the gospel. I don't feel like praying everyday. I don't like to read my scriptures. I do it because I know I should. But I don't do it because I want to.
I feel like I am in a rut. Lately I have just been questioning who I am and how I got here to this place in my life? I feel like every aspect of my life needs improving. Where do I start? How do I be a more interseting wife? A better friend? Have a stronger testimony? Love my daughter more?
I don't always know the answer to my questions. But this morning I opened my email and this is what I found...
Hey honey, I'm only forwarding this to you so you can get an email from
me today! I love you and I hope you know that. I may not be the best
at expressing myself, especially in person. I may not sound one-hundred
percent sincere at times, and I may be a little too light hearted, but I
do love you. I know I always talk about how I'm with you because I
choose to be with you, not because I need to be with you, but I don't
know what I would do without you. You are beautiful, enjoyable to be
around, creative, a wonderful Mom/Wife, and determined if you really
commit to something. I hope you have a good day.
Love,
Logan
After reading this I all of the sudden felt a little better about life. I know I have so much. Everyone goes through hard times. I'm sure I'll find the light at the end up my tunnel...in fact I'm starting to see it already.
6 comments:
I know I don't know you that well, but I think it's normal to have those feelings, I go through it all the time. Something that helped me get out of my rut recently was going to the Temple. I'm a newly stay at home mom and it's been a real hard transition for me, each day I have to stay motivated and I feel inadequate compared to all the perfect mothers I see at church ALWAYS, but I am me and they are them and I need to not compare myself to others. No one has it all together and no one has it all figured out. We all have bad days and then we have good days and even better days. I'm with you on the friends though....all my friends are moved away and married if it weren't for Facebook I'd never talk to them or hear from them....thank goodness for technology I'd go crazy. Is this the longest comment anyones ever left!? Well hit me up if you ever need to chat....Is that weird? LOL....
Dearest Christa,
I think everyone goes through this at some point or another in their life. I am having similar feelings a I am watching friends graduate and go on with their careers. I know this might not be what you want to hear, but, here are a few of my thoughts: 1)if you want to talk to your friends, call them. I know it will make you just as happy as if they had called you :D 2) Pray for a spiritual experience and then do some work to back your prayers up. You'll find something to do for someone. 3)Try to make time for something you love--craft, or a talent. Run!
I love you and hope all is well.
p.s. I live in Orange County. I can't complain too much.
That, my dear, is called life.
It's not always perfect or fun or exciting... some times its bland or irritating or sad. You go through alot of seasons as a wife/mother/adult. Just make the best out of each one, learn from them, love each experience :)
The fact that you're thinking all these things and wanting to be better, shows that you're doing great! It would be bad if you didn't care where you were at in life. Striving to be better is a big part of this life and I have definitely felt the exact same way as you MANY MANY times. I miss you so much! Wish we lived closer. I love you!!
start running agian. for reals. it's something that you love.
also, go by a sexy outfit, and light some candles. decide that you can decide to spice things up.
i am so sorry you aren't sleeping through the night..and it sounds impossible to sleep train autumn. that sucks! i don't know how to fix that one...haha sorry.
i've been forcing me and ty to read scriptures together. it helps us bond, makes me feel like we're doing this together, and i get more out of it.
we all question. we all have up and downs. you know i do! just keep doing what your doing..only more loving. haha i swear a little love solves all problems. (you know what i'm saying)
I cried reading this. Seriously.
I can relate to you one thousand percent. Life can be so mundane, and when it's not it's overwhelming and frustrating! lol I told mace just last night that I missed how we were. I missed being madly crazy about eachother. I miss that infatuation and never wanting to leave eachother's side... The never fighting, never caring about the important things. The never being sleep deprived, stressed, etc.
I love you gal. Call me sometime.
Love ya!
Laur
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